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Places I Have Never Been

1.  Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 
 

2.  Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?  They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 

 

3.  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 

 

4.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 

 

5.  A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 

 

6.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  He wanted to transcend dental medication. 

 

7.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby loudly discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, I can't have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 

 

8.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 

 

9.  These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 

10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

13. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

14. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

15. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

16. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 

17.  And finally, There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 

18. I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

19. When chemists die, they barium.

20. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

21. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

22. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

23. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

24. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

25. A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A-minor.

26. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

27. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

28. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

29. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

30. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

31. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

32. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

33. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

34. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

35. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

36. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

37. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 


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